Working with Others: The Four Magnetisms (Part 2)

The second tool for working skillfully with others is soothing speech. This means speaking in a way that eases the mind of someone who is troubled, doubtful, confused, or experiencing conflicting emotions. If you comment on a difficult situation with a harsh, cutting tone, or if aggression is mixed in with your speech, then although that troubled person may see your point, your words won’t ease their mental tension. So watch your own frustrations, judgments, and shortcomings carefully.

People with troubled minds are often struggling in two ways. Not only are they distressed, but they are often convinced that their experience is unique to them. They may think their mind is troubled because they’ve done something bad. They may feel angry, attached, jealous, depressed, or doubtful—and their guilt about experiencing such emotions adds an extra layer to their suffering.

If you don’t see this extra layer, and speak to them with the attitude that their problems stem from their own personal garbage, they will feel even worse about themselves. So do your best to be patient and skillful, and avoid isolating others in their guilt and low self esteem.

All our problems are universal; “personal” problems are actually common problems. And since neuroses are adventitious, the nature is already free of them, so no one is intrinsically bad. It helps to stress these points gently and empathetically.

You can help people to see how they can remedy their problems by changing their attitude and applying skillful means. Communicating in this way, carefully avoiding any pressure or conflict, allows more intelligence and interest to arise in someone’s mind. Helping people to see how emotions are interdependently originated—not intrinsic or unique—eases their mental tension. Nothing exists objectively. Since it’s our subjective view which makes them real, the ability to change things rests in our own hands. This perspective can be very comforting.

Also recognize that rules or “shoulds” create unwanted pressure in people’s minds. This is right, but that is wrong; do it this way, not that way; we must do this, but mustn’t do that. These polarities isolate people further within their problems. When people are struggling with their practice, or their mind, or anything, and we harshly lay out our advice by saying or even implying, “This is how it has to be,” or “If you can’t see that, you must be an idiot,” we will only isolate them more, causing further pain.

So hold clearly to the aim of reducing the tension in their body and mind, not increasing it through your words.

The third magnetism is speaking appropriately. This means speaking to people based on what they are doing and where they are. It’s not flaunting your own knowledge and wisdom, or showing off how well you speak or how grandly you can philosophize. Instead, address people’s growth or hindrances, pointing out how to enhance their growth or neutralize the hindrance.

Speaking appropriately means always addressing how to either enhance growth or remedy hindrances. By highlighting people’s common experiences, you can kindle the intelligence that is ready to be ignited. Then those who have experienced what you are talking about will be affirmed in their experience, and those who haven’t can have a vision of that experience. In this context, the bodhicitta and the good heart teachings, as well as the practices of equalizing and so on, are good subjects to discuss.

So generosity achieves attraction, and soothing speech achieves relaxation. With the third magnetism, vision and courage are inspired in others by igniting their interest and excitement.

Source: Becoming A Bodhisattva In Modern Times
Talk 4: Mahayana Seminar 2009